It started with a box of Weebles. A coworker of mine loaded up a small Amazon box with a few dozen pear-shaped plastic creatures. My name was scrawled on the box in permanent marker. At first I thought it was to keep Weeble thieves away. What I realize now, though, was that it was a final act to sign over the toys to me. They were officially out of his basement, no longer his clutter. They were handed down.
At the time, I was about as round as a Weeble and far less coordinated. Since my pregnancy, I have been inundated with opportunities to accept secondhand items. The question is, should I?
Cutting Costs
Not long ago, our neighbors posted a curb alert. Basically, it was a brief note to let the neighborhood know that there might be some interesting items out in their trash. Come and get it, first come, first served. If it wasn’t claimed that day, it was going to be hauled away the next morning as garbage. When I realized that there were toddler toys like standing walkers that we would be in the market for in a few short months, I did what any sensible person does. I sent my husband.
Nearly a dozen items were put out, but we both agreed that taking one or two would be a wise choice. Not only did we not want to be greedy, we also didn’t want to take more than we needed or had room to store. When it was all said and done, we were pretty excited for these free finds. It’s a no-brainer than getting something for free is equivalent to 100% off. But the financial benefits of accepting things second-hand became most clear to me when I started comparing the cost of similar new items.
One item is listed for $50 on eBay while the other is for sale for $30 at Target. Sure, there is a missing piece on the walker, but other than that, they both look brand-new after about ten minutes of scrubbing. They even came with batteries! By embracing used clothes, toys, and books, we are able to keep our spending limited to $100 or less each month. That frees up a lot of green for other things.
A boy and his best new-to-him toy.
Going Green
Once I realized HP actually needed a new pair of pants, I spent almost a week deciding what to buy. Baby clothes are cute, but they’re not that cute. I was pouring over articles, posts, research, and pure speculation from the mom hive on baby forums to see if organic cotton was a better choice than regular cotton. After nearly a week of combing the Internet for answers, I was more confused than ever. Some people were convinced that organic cotton might actually use more water than conventionally grown cotton. Others argued that companies who grow and use organic cotton then to treat their employees better. Others still were convinced that any of kind of cotton was akin to poison, and I needed to consider bamboo fabric instead.
Though I normally steer clear of Reddit, I even went down that rabbit hole. It was worth it, though. Because in the middle of another battle of the fabrics, one Reddits left a short comment: If you want to do something really green, stop buying new things. Just like that, I was able to reframe all of our hand-me-downs. That plastic walked that was missing a piece? Sure, it kept us from having to buy a new one. But it also kept all of that plastic out of a landfill. Ditto for the books, the clothes, and even the Weebles.
Cut the tags off these baby jeans!
So Why The Guilt?
I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it sometimes feels like we don’t deserve all of the things that we have been gifted. Everyone who learns that we embrace secondhand living seems to let out a huge sigh of relief and heaping of thanks. “My basement will finally have some wiggle room.” “I’ve been dying to go through their books.” “We can finally close the dresser drawers again.”
We have even had a handful of people admit that other families had passed on the items before they made their way to us. What have others passed on? Brand-new board books, gently used hardcover books, and even clothes, some of which still had tags on them. It’s true that not everything we have accepted has been in perfect condition. There have been small holes to mend and stains to soak. But we are both more than happy to put in a little elbow grease to save some green and keep things out of landfills a little longer.
While our family and friends act like we are doing them a favor, we know how fortunate we are. We happily send photos and videos of HP with his new scores, and we also handwrite snail mail thank you cards. We also try to treat one set of friends who is determined to outfit HP with every piece of clothing he could ever need to ice cream gift cards for their kids.
If we put in the work and the gratitude, why the guilt? Quite frankly, it is probably stems, at least in part, from the same beliefs that lead others to turn down the hand-me-downs. We don’t need charity. We know we can afford to clothe our son and buy him books and toys. While we don’t feel the same compulsion to prove that the way some of the neighborhood Joneses might, we are also aware that some of these items may have eventually ended up at Goodwill or other charities had we not scooped them up. As a result, part of me can’t help but wonder if some family that is truly in need doesn’t deserve these things more.
Of course, just like you can’t tell people how to spend their money, you also can’t tell people what to do with their used clothes and toys. The items we have pulled off neighbors’ curbs were destined for garbage trucks. It’s likely that at least some of the other clothes would have been tossed. But we know with certainty that at least some of the generous people who have passed along books would also be able to donate them to schools or charities. Should we have suggested that instead? Would we be better off accepting the items and then turning around and donating them instead of using them ourselves? It’s something I think about more and more.
Final Thoughts on Accepting Hand-Me-Downs
Accepting second-hand items for our son makes my frugal heart sing. Not only does it make having a baby slightly more affordable, it also lets us do things like spend a bit more on organic baby food and save more for his college. It also keeps all sorts of clothing and plastic out of landfills, even just temporarily.
But we are also mindful of the fact that while we are reaping the benefits of these second-hand items, others are not. Rather than turn down the items, we have decided to care for the items as best as we can and then pass them along again when the time is right. Since we are raising a budding minimalist, in some cases, that time is right away.
We are also making sure to grow our monthly charitable giving budget. The guilt isn’t entirely gone, but we are trying to focus on being grateful for the opportunities to make better financial decisions and more eco-friendly choices with the intention of paying it forward as best as we can.
So Tell Me…Have you ever stopped to consider if someone else might benefit more from second-hand items?
Absolutely never ever feel guilt for accepting a hand me down. I know whenever I purge, I would way prefer to give the item to someone I actually know who will use and appreciate it than just goodwill et al. Because you’ve been to those places I’m sure, you know how unbelievably packed with stuff every single one always is. I promise you Penny, any family in need can still find second hand things for themselves. You are also blessing the giver by letting them know how much you appreciate the item, caring for it, and using it regularly.
Thank you so much for that nudge!
I too would probably feel some guilt for buying second-hand if I didn’t know that most charity shops are bursting at the seams with people’s cast-offs. A majority of what gets donated actually tends to be shipped overseas – flooding developing economies with cheap clothes and deflating their own local textile market.
If your friends and family want to gift you their secondhand items, love them until HP doesn’t need them anymore and then give them to another child who can use them. In my opinion, that’s the best way to utilize an item to it’s fullest potential!
That’s part of why I’m still so determined to make Poshmark work. I read something about how much Goodwill has to throw out, and it really gave me pause!
I have heard this argument before (the “don’t take hand me downs/shop at thrift stores if you make more than $X”), but it strikes me a preposterous. Between wanting to be a mindful consumer, a good steward to the earth, and a good example to my son that we don’t always need “new & shiny”, I find no guilt in buying or receiving used items 😉 Sure, it helps that hand-me-downs are free and thrift stores are deeply discounted and my wallet appreciates it, but that is not my primary driver for shopping/accepting used items.
Honestly, seeing how relieved and happy people are when we accept things has been hugely motivational for me. And now that we have so much stuff of our own, I get it!
As the above comments noted, there’d are more than enough second hand items to go around, especially clothing and baby items!
It really is amazing to see how much STUFF people have hanging around from having kids. Full basements and attics used to puzzle me before. People are so incredibly generous that I really get it now.
I think hand me downs are the best. We have the money to buy new, but sometimes I wonder if our world can handle the glut of plastic and clothe we create. I look it as an environmental issue.
That is what really swayed me, too. Researching organic cotton was so confusing! Used is best, I think!
I think hand me downs are fabulous! I wish I was given some for my daughter. Its so expensive to buy everything new especially for a little one. By accepting them your also giving the giver the opportunity to feel good about themselves!
Little Miss Fire
https://littlemissfireblog.wordpress.com
That’s true, Little Miss Fire! I suppose I should think of it as gift giving. I do in the sense that we make sure to really show our gratitude, but I bet it does make the givers feel good. Thanks for the new perspective.
Not only are hand-me-downs acceptable, accepting them is absolutely the right thing to do. In some cases, folks might not be able to make ends meet and have their kids’ needs met as well. My brother has 12 kids, and it is hard to imagine they could have made it without gently used clothing and toys finding their way into their home.
Gosh, I know! That’s where I struggle, Oldster. The fact that we get so many hand-me-downs and someone WITH 12 KIDS might not is why I feel so guilty sometimes. Like maybe we should pass more along right away instead of letting him wear them or play with them first.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. I was going to suggest you donate the items after you no longer need them, but it seems you found your way to that conclusion on your own. Hand-me-downs are a good thing for the giver, the receiver, future receivers, and the environment. Don’t let your guilt take away from that.
Thanks, Gary! I am definitely trying to focus on the gratitude more than the guilt. Plus, I try to remind myself that we do quite a bit of giving as best as we can, too.
I love being able to give items we don’t need to physical people rather then charity. I know that the item will get used or passed on to someone else rather than sit in a warehouse. If items are missing pieces I won’t donate but I would give to someone who doesn’t care about missing piece.
It’s so funny that you say that! The toy my son is playing with in the photo is missing the phone. At first, I thought about putting it out on our curb. Then, I thought about ordering a replacement. Then, I realized he’s 8 months old and couldn’t care less. Everything else is functional, and he actually figured out how to push the button that the phone would trigger anyway. A long way to say the missing piece doesn’t matter at all!
But I’m with you on not donating broken things to charity.
By the way, that toy in the photo is like the BEST TOY EVER. It was my daughter’s favorite toy for probably 6 months. She still plays with it on occasion.
My best friend has a daughter 15mo older than mine. I got two giant tubs of the most amazing hand-me-downs from her recently. When my daughter outgrows a size, I return them to my friend (along with anything we may have bought or been gifted). If she can’t use them again, I know she can pass them along to another family and they can enjoy many more lifetimes of use.
I frequent a Goodwill store near my home which has a second store on site called the $1.49 a Pound store. The $1.49 a Pound store is my go to place for finding nice linen, 100% cotton and silk stuff to turn into quilts and aprons. It happens to be attached to the warehouse which is huge. The warehouse is stacked to the rafters with huge bundles of clothing, bed linens, curtains and draperies. There are all kinds of household goods/baby stuff waiting to be put out or sent elsewhere. And there are Goodwill trucks coming in EVERY DAY to drop off more stuff. There is no shortage of “stuff”…..take my word for it.
Our circle of friends and family have passed things down to each other for decades now and the youngest adult generation is carrying on that tradition. If there’s no one in our immediate circle who needs or could use the item then we branch out into friends of friends, co-workers who might know of someone in need. We’ve been known to leave things at the side of the road with a sign that says “FREE: needs a good home” and have watched as people have jumped out of their car or truck to pick up the item with a big smile on their faces…..and they have generally been people who have appeared to not have the resources to even afford to go to Goodwill. And you might ask why we don’t do that with everything. Good question. If we did that with everything then our immediate circle of friends and family would be purchasing new items instead of using hand-me-downs, right? We are a rampant consumerist culture. We don’t care to be a contributing factor to that culture.
The hubs and I were greatly influenced by our grandparents who were raising their families during the Great Depression. Their philosophy was use it up, wear it out, make do or do without. They also taught us that charity begins at home and, like a rock thrown into a still pond, creates a ripple effect that spreads out way beyond where the rock hit the water.
Guilt over accepting or passing on hand-me-downs? Nope, none at all.
I’m always so relieved when you comment! I know there is wisdom waiting for me. You’re absolutely right that being willing to accept hand me downs AND pass them along helps break the consumerist culture tendencies.
Now you’ve gone and made me blush!
I think I’m always a little taken aback that hand-me-downs are sometimes perceived as charity. I’ve always seen it as passing things along…..sometimes you get things, sometimes you give things. And it just makes more sense than throwing away perfectly good or serviceable items when they can still be used by someone. And, as you mentioned, accepting hand-me-downs frees up dollars that can be put toward a college fund, savings, more dollars to St. Judes or another charity that needs money rather than toys or clothing……plus you can hand down the hand-me-downs to someone else when you’re done with them thus extending their life cycle and freeing up dollars for someone else to do the same. And the cherry on top is the invaluable example that you’re modeling for HP……who, by the way, is adorable!
Having been on both the receiving and the giving end of hand-me-downs, I can feel no guilt whatsoever. People (including me!) are so relieved to give their kids’ outgrown/unused stuff a home other than the landfill.
I think I would feel a bit guilty if I turned around and resold stuff instead of using it. But I don’t, I hand things down to someone else. Today I stuck two children’s books, two leotards, tights, and ballet slippers in the mailbox of one of my colleagues with a daughter a couple years younger than my youngest. It is nice to have them out of the house! And way more satisfying than taking them to goodwill (and way less effort than having a garage sale).
Garage sales make me shudder! I don’t foresee selling anything we’ve been gifted, so that’s one ethical dilemma that we’ve managed to dodge.
Oh gosh, I’ve never once felt bad about hand me downs. 🙂 If anything, I think they’re a great way to extend the life of usable items, no matter who you give them to. Sure, donating to charity is a fantastic way to help out. But I like knowing who is receiving the item; there’s something about knowing that it’ll be loved that makes it easier to part with possessions.
One of my friend’s kid is having a really hard time parting with things. We send lots of photos and video of HP with the items, and they say that actually really helps. And it must…because we keep getting more stuff!
My family grew up finding stuff on the street because we really did need that stuff and we were in need. Today, this thought probably grazed my mind once and I pushed it out. There’s zero chance anyone think we need hand me downs now but I think of it like “Help me, mommy’s gonna toss me out. I want a home!” Lol! Plus if we don’t find a use for it, we find some way to give it away anyway. We don’t take anything we definitely don’t need and that’s a big way to combat that feeling.
“They even came with batteries!”
That’s the best feeling!
Yes. Yes it is! Having to find those teeny little screwdrivers is the worst.
I think that’s exactly it, Lily. We could have taken a lot more of the “curb alert” toys, but we wanted to not clutter up our own house AND leave items for others. That’s always why I try to really think hard about how many things HP can really wear or play with. Some of the items get passed along right away. And that does seem to help the feeling. I needed your insight, friend!
I would not feel any guilt at all. I read somewhere that most of what goodwill or salvation army goes straight to landfill, after passing through their process of being filtered out. Only a small percentage is sold in stores and a very little makes to the poor countries of the world. After reading that, I am so selective about what I donate to Goodwill/Salvation Army. Everything else goes in the dumpster.
Your are helping your neighbor, yourself, and the environment. No need to worry about it. Thst stuff probably would have never made it to poor, ‘more deserving’ people anyway.
I have read some horror stories about Goodwill as well. It seems like people use them as a dumpster, which makes me super sad. I can’t even imagine having to sort through all of that! Thanks for the vote of confidence. It does seem like the right choice environmentally. I just never want to be greedy!
I love used things for many reason- a big one is the environmental factor. I’ve sworn off fast fashion and unethical clothing, so I buy new US made or shop used- which I always prefer. The other benefit is that if you find a used item in good shape, it’s probably of good quality, as it already survived one bout of ownership. And nothing beats a good curb find 🙂
That’s where I am now. I haven’t shopped for myself in years except to replace a few odd things (I have so much stuff, I could probably skip shopping until I die…how embarrassing). But I was really stymied with the organic cotton versus regular for my son, and that’s how all of this really came about. DUH! From an environmental standpoint, it seems like a no-brainer (and yet it’s so contrary to our culture!).
That’s one reason I like old furniture. If it’s in good shape after 50, 60, 70 years of use them it’s probably good for another decade or two, lol! We have hand-me-down furniture dating back to the 50s and a few pieces that I’ve picked up over the years dating back to the early 40s. Not fine antiques mind you, just stuff that the average person could afford back in those decades. And we scored the iron bed that my husband’s grandfather was born in (which makes it well over 100 years old) because nobody else wanted to take the time to go see what bed frame my husband’s aunt wanted out of the way. Nobody thought she was talking about THAT bed frame!
“…[W]e also handwrite snail mail thank you cards.”
I always knew you were a kick-ass person.
And, no, you shouldn’t feel guilty about HP’s hand-me-downs. But I understand your misgivings. There are people who could really use the bounty you have received. If it’s any consolation, Mrs. G and I donated some stuff to Goodwill a few weeks ago. The receiving area looked like the final scenes from Citizen Kane and Raiders of the Lost Ark. In other words, America has enough hand-me-downs to take care of both the comfortable and the downtrodden. Cheers.
P.S. HP is cute as hell.
I LOVE hand-me-downs!!! I have been extremely fortunate to have friends who have passed on tons of clothes to me that I then wear for years. A thought of guilt about it had never even crossed my mind, and I don’t think it’s something to feel guilty about at all. It’s a win-win-win (for you, the other person, and the environment).
I love that attitude, Emilie!
Thoughtful post. I think it’s valuable to appreciate the benefit of being able to receive hand-me-downs. There are people without those connections.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt guilty, but I do go out of my way to make donations to charities that benefit children. And when I donate items I’m done with, I do so mindfully, choosing a charity where the items are most likely to go to those in need in my community (hint: not Goodwill).
I’ve also tried not to hang onto to more than I’ll reasonably need, passing things on to other friends, our church nursery, or aforementioned charities. One friend called me the “queen of hand-me-downs” because I’ve been willing to redistribute lots of baby things that she (and I) didn’t need, to people who had the right age/gender of children.
We love our hand me downs! My younger kids have mostly used clothes and probably half of their “new” toys the past year. Clothing is a huge source of pollution all across the consumer cycle. Reducing our new clothes has been a major step for us towards both frugality and reducing our footprint. We get most of ours from our Buy Nothing group which has a fabulous community of givers.
That is awesome to know, Jennifer! I haven’t even really needed to reach out to our Buy Nothing group (I have posted some things that we were decluttering, though). People have that much stuff that they seek us out! You are definitely right about the carbon footprint.
Today you may be accepting the hand me downs and making good use of them, in a year when your child outgrows those hand me downs as well as other clothes you bought or received as birthday or Christmas will need to go. I clean out my children’s drawers and closet each spring and fall. What the older can’t wear, I will save for the younger. What he has outgrown I bag up and let friends know what sizes are available. I am extremely thankful when I get rid of the three bags of clothes and a couple boxes of toys, it is less clutter in the closet and drawers. I assure you we are extremely thankful when you help us clear items we’re no longer using. Don’t feel guilty, we appreciate you.
As someone who loves to repurpose items, I wish more people would accept hand-me-downs or used items and keep things out of the landfills. I even like the idea of ‘sharing’ items that are only used once or twice a year. Maybe we all don’t need every tool in our own private box.
My philosophy is freely receive, freely give. I’ve received hundreds (thousands?) of dollars worth of free stuff in my life (mostly since having kids). If I don’t use it right away, I give it to someone who will. After my kids are done with something, I give it away. I always have boxes of things to give away, yet I always have more to give.
When I was growing up, we didn’t have a lot of money so hand me downs and garage sales were the norm. So I never felt guilty receiving hand me downs when our wee one was born 3 years ago. Kids grow out of items within years (or months), and hand me downs make both the donor and receiver lives easier. The donor makes space and the receiver gets new items that didn’t cost them anything.
Almost everything we received for our wee one has since been passed on to others. Some went to my sister who has had a new child recently and the rest went to a friend who lost all her first child’s clothes and such in a house fire but had another child after that. It was such a relief to get all of those items out of the house. No guilt here at all.
Honestly I don’t think there’s any shame in accepting hand me downs or trying to save money. Everyone’s financial situation is different, so there’s no point in comparing yourself to others.
We received a lot of hand-me-downs, and I was torn about it at first. There were a lot of things that we couldn’t or wouldn’t use, and I sold them at consignment sales. This seemed questionable to me, because I was profiting off of someone else’s generosity. But my friend was not willing to do the work to get the clothes up to the standards of the consignment sales, and I was. and she didn’t care. NOw, I no longer have time to worry about making money off of our used stuff, so I pass it along to people with younger kids than mine if it’s still usable. The biggest downside of primarily using hand me downs and secondhand stuff, to me, is that it limits my capacity to be generous to others, because often after my kids, used clothing is no longer in good enough condition to share.
If it makes you feel better, Goodwill pays most of their employees with disabilities below minimum wage. The information about why this abhorrent practice is legal, at the moment, is at https://www.dol.gov/whd/workerswithdisabilities/.
People will have more than they need and you are being kind to take a headache away from them. I don’t think you’ll ever be greedy and wouldn’t interfere with actual poor folks acquiring things they need.
I share your moral dilemma. Most of the furniture in our house is thrifted or a hand me down, and I too can’t help but wonder if someone who is financially worse off shouldn’t have profited from it instead of me. However, you and the people commenting make valid points: most people won’t go out of their way to find a new home for their stuff. So it’s you or the landfill. That’s a no-brainer. I also really like the fact that you thank people and show them how their things are being lovingly used (or misused by a toddler!); as well as your point about giving money to charities.
I’m glad it’s not just me, Claire. I try to be really mindful with how we use things, and then I make sure to pass them along. The guilt is still there, but that’s kind of my nature, too.
I grew up in hand-me-downs so I was honestly surprised to think that people feel guilty about it. I work for a non-profit and TRUST, we’d prefer your cash money!
I’m glad to hear that, Amy! I believe very strongly in giving money (and time!) because that’s what keeps the lights on in these places 😀 I only wish I had more money to give!
My children are grown and gone. I got hand me downs for only the first two years of my daughter’s life. Garage sales were non-existent, and thrift stores had dirty, worn out clothing.
Then we moved and I had my son. I met someone who had a son first and then a daughter. We swapped clothes for a long time. Her daughter got my daughter’s clothes and my son got her son’s clothes. It was fantastic and a real money saver, especially for winter coats and jackets.
We have tons of yard sales here, and I got lots of toys for my son.
Now that I am a grandmother, I get things from yard sales, Freecycle and the Facebook Marketplace.
I also saved many of the classic toys, books and puzzles for my grandchildren. It is extra special seeing them enjoyed by a new generation.
I never felt guilty accepting anything. I am now in a position to do the offering, and anyone on the receiving end will be, too.
I love that! I really should focus on who the next recipient will be!