Why do we make the decisions that we make? What motivates us? I’m a firm believer that people’s passions are just as varied and unique as people themselves. But when I think about my own motives for why I do what I do, they can really be boiled down to three simple reasons.
One of my former bosses always wanted to know why. It was his favorite question. One day, he shared with me that he believed kids are motivated by three factors: love, fear, or greed. He said if I remembered that, I’d always be able to understand my students. Even if I couldn’t relate to their situation, even if I disagreed with what they had done, I could at least hold onto that thread of understanding. And they don’t just explain the actions of students, but love, fear, and greed can also be helpful tools for understanding each other.
Love, Fear, and Greed
There are lots of ways to love: friendship, family bonds, loyalty, romantic love. I don’t question the impact that these have in my life. But there are other kinds of love, too. People fall in love with ideas, romanticizing notions or crafting belief systems, and develop hobbies and passions that fuel them. Then, there’s love of self. Pride in a job well done, confidence and courage to speak up and live a more authentic life.
Fear can be of people, places, ideas, but where I see fear crop up the most is when its paired with the idea of the unknown or absence of something. Most reactionary decisions are rooted in fear. Whether it is the more primal fight or flight response or desire to avoid a particular situation, fear is real and should not be dismissed.
Greed comes from surplus. It is an excess of love and it is an abundance of fear. It is easy to dismiss greed as a character flaw found in financial con artists and supervillains. But anyone can fall victim to greed. Love something too much, allow it too much of your time or other resources, and suddenly you’ve been consumed. The same holds for fear: work against fear long enough and you’re desperate to never leave your comfort zone.
Changing My Why
Much of my life has been driven by love. Whether it is family and friends or a passion for my work, that love is what pulls me out of bed in the morning before my alarm clock. But if I look at my actions and my words for the past few months, love is not the only motive. In fact, I realize that I have allowed fear and maybe even greed to overtake love as the driving factor behind what I do.
Despite writing about scaling back repeatedly, I have increased my side hustle dramatically in the past view months. In addition to tutoring, I substitute teach as often as my morning sickness allows and run a professional development class with one of my best teacher friends. Yes, I am still deeply passionate and excited about these things, but I would be lying if I didn’t also admit that I care more about dollars than I ever have. That love of security and stability has given way to greed.
While I no longer fear investing, I am probably more scared of money now that I ever have been. When some freelancing work started to dry up, I was crushed for many reasons. It was a blow to my love of writing and my confidence. Beyond that, though, it was further proof that nothing is a sure thing. Couple that feeling of uncertainty with an unpaid leave and a reduced salary for the remainder of the following school year, and you have a look at the terror that keeps me up at night. You know, in addition to the little tap dancer in my belly who always seems to have a foot on my bladder.
But I don’t want to let fear and greed drive me. I know that they will always play a role in my life, but one of the ugliest truths I have ever had to confront about myself is the fact that I have agreed to let them take center stage. I don’t know what the permanent fix to this is–or if there is such a thing–but I think starting small is what has always worked for me. Remembering to give thanks. Taking time to breathe. And doing something that I haven’t done in a long time. Telling myself that it will all be okay.
So Tell Me…Do you believe my former boss? How do you see love, fear, and greed around you?
I don’t think it’s just kids that are motivated by those three things–I think it’s every human. In your case I’m not sure if those actions are based on greed–in many cases it’s based on a love for your family and a fear of not being able to provide. I don’t think it’s selfish to stretch yourself and do things that will grow your wealth, as long as the love of money isn’t the root of your motivation.
At the end of the day I think it’s all about doing what’s best for you and your family. 🙂
It might not be Scrooge McDuck greed, but it’s definitely playing more of a role in my life than I’d like at this point. It started as a need for security, but it’s definitely grown into something larger.
Love, fear, greed are definitely powerful motivators. So is pride, self worth, comforts, etc. I suppose you could also go back to Maslow to understand our motivators. Thanks for a thought provoking post.
You’re welcome! I think all of those probably fit into the love box, but I think it’s easy to slide into greed. Too much pride, etc. That’s definitely been my problem with comfort and security. I got so hyper-focused on it that I let fear and greed motivate me more than I would like to admit.
Well. Didn’t you make me stop and think. I never thought of greed in quite that way before but it rings true for me. I find the greed stems from fear which stems from love in the scenario you’ve presented. And a feeling of instability, not feeling secure. You’re bringing a new life into the world and it magnifies the fears that trouble you the most. I remember that. My first pregnancy was a rollercoaster ride of exhilaration and fear in equal measure. You haven’t turned into a greedy monster, you’re just becoming a mother!
Haha. Thanks, Kim! I needed that. And I definitely understand that fear and greed will always play a role in life. Hopefully not on the level that makes headlines, of course. But I think part of the general ickiness (so scientific!) that I’ve been feeling is because I’m acting so much out of fear. I finally stopped myself over the weekend when I realized I wouldn’t say half the things I’ve been saying to my husband about finances, worrying, etc., if I thought Baby could understand. That made me realize it’s time to look hard at my motives.
Love, fear, and greed really are at the heart of it all, and as you pointed out it can be hard to tell them apart.
So maybe it’s about striking the right balance. We need to have a little fear to keep us from becoming lazy and complacent. We need to love things to make the effort worthwhile and rewarding. We need greed because…maybe it helps us build a cushion to fight off fear, and once we’ve achieved that we can enjoy giving away the excess.
I think that’s exactly right! My concern is that I’ve definitely swerved away from the center point. Trying to put things more in balance now!
I’ve got to agree that your motivations come from love of your family and fear of not being able to provide at a certain level for them. I think that’s perfectly natural for new and about-to-be parents. You’re going through a big change, one that will turn your world upside down in the best of ways, and you’ll need to give yourself some time to adjust. So keep giving thanks, and breathing, and telling yourself that it will be ok, because it will be ok.
Thank you for the reminder, Gary, and the vote of confidence.
Insightful post. More important than what motivates us, in my view, is whether or not we are sufficiently self-aware to recognize our motives. When certain motives become too dominant in our lives, it’s time to take stock, reflect, and adjust.
You’re showing the maturity of doing that in the second half of your post, and to me it’s the most important lesson in your writing. That, and “Remembering to give thanks.” Too often, we lose perspective on gratitude, and it can go a long way in “taming the beasts” of inappropriate motives. Thoughtful post.
Thanks so much for your kind words, Fritz! This might be the nicest thing I’ve been called this week 😉
I agree that it’s every human that is motivated by those 3 things, not just kids. Sadly, I think fear and greed are really prominent in life, but I am trying to be a positive little light! 🙂
Sounds like a wise boss.
You are fortunate to be driven by love most of the time. That is a luxurious choice.
I was driven by fear. Fear of being a loser. Fear of not being able to take care of a family. Fear of wasting four years in college. Fear of being poor.
The fear drove me to work long hours and side hustle. So in a way, fear helped find me love.
I’ve learned to embrace fear now.
Sam