38 Comments

  1. Woah I love this post! The guilt is real!! My sons are 16 and 18 and I still feel guilty if I’m not with them when they’re home. I know that they’re going to move out one day and I won’t have them around like I do now so every second away from them I feel guilt. It doesn’t matter than much of the time they don’t know I’m in the room, I still feel like I have to be in their space to soak up every ounce of time. We have gym memberships but I don’t go if they don’t…because guilt. Same with spending money on myself. I have a gift certificate sitting here to get my nails done and I don’t want to use it because if I do I know I’ll want to get them done again and have to pay for it. I’m glad you’re doing things for you and I need to do the same I guess.

    • This is so reassuring to hear from older moms that it isn’t just me not knowing how to Mom Properly.

      I say the exact same thing to myself. I have to hold him and let him sit on my lap as much as possible because one day he will outgrow me. Wah!

      But when I can be rational about it, I realize that the fact that he is growing up is an important reminder to take care of myself along the way. I can’t just hope to recognize her in 16 or 20 more years!

  2. You are so right. Penny you are beautiful and kind and worth spending time and money on whatever makes you happy and content. Saying “just don’t be guilty” is akin to saying “just don’t breathe” in today’s world. But at least you’re now conscious of it, which is the first step to setting yourself free.

    • Thanks, BE! This post actually helped a ton. Since I wrote it two days ago, I actually kept my doctor’s appointment *and* got my hair colored. Obviously, it doesn’t mean that I’ve actually figured out how to have balance in my life, but I am feeling really good about my choices.

      And I still played with HP a ton!

  3. Wow, what a great post! It is so true that once you start going down a rabbit hole, things can spiral out of control before you realize what is going on. Be that motherhood, frugality or any other new shiny thing we pursue. I especially hear you on the doctor’s appointments. I haven’t been in years, even though I have flextime at work. At least I try to squeeze in a dentist’s appointment every summer!

  4. Carolyn

    Most of our goals aren’t really about money, but being financially secure allows us to attain them. For me eating healthier is a goal for me and for my family. My kids do not consider it a goal, they would prefer to eat candy and sugary foods. The weekend before last, hubby filled 9 seedling starter trays with starter mix and With my older son, we seeded tomatoes, peppers, onions and assorted herbs. We have an assortment of fruit trees, berry bushes, and strawberries that are in our garden. I want to expand my planting and hubby took down a few trees to get better sunlight on the expansion area. We eat well in the summer through fall, fresh fruits and vegetables, but my limited canning and freezing runs out. I know what we plant is healthy and nutritious. And my husband loves the fresh produce as do I and my kids, to a certain extent.
    Hubby is pursuing his goal of growing better organic fruits and vegetables, he is into doing the composting, soil testing and is going to build a greenhouse this summer for next year. A common goal for us both. He wants to double the number of chickens we keep to sell more eggs and provide more chicken manure for the composting.
    I am pretty good on my hair goals. I wanted it long since I was a child, but didn’t realize that goal of growing my hair long unti after I started dating my husband and he became my hair guy. Mine reaches past my elbows and I take a seat every other month to get caped, my hair combed out and my ends trimmed. Hubby doesn’t mind the silver strands, he tells me I am gorgeous and while he is fine with them, he has colored my hair with henna for me. I told him it is part of the job description as my hair guy, you cut it, you color it as well. I have him braid it for me and I had him do more smaller braids yesterday when my hair was wet, so this morning I could take them out and have curls, beats the curling iron, rollers, and there is no way I am going to perm my hair as I was talked into getting at the salon years ago and it fried my hair. Nice thing about hubby cutting my hair versus the salon is he doesn’t try to sell me products, pressure me to cut my hair off or guilt trip me about my silver strands to color my hair.
    My goals of seeing my friends more and getting more involved in community activities I do have to balance between my job, teaching music lessons and my gardening.
    Hubby is retired, collecting a couple pensions and he did excellent financial planning. So the money is not our big goal, but we aren’t going to spend money like idiots. Hubby does the haircuts in the family and I do manicures and pedicures on everyone, no one does mine. That is pampering I do enjoy. My best friend and I used to do them for each other, last time was over a year ago when she visited and had hubby giver her a haircut. But her schedule has been wacky with her job and family issues. I spoke to her this weekend and we are trying to get together to visit next Saturday afternoon, we will chat, maybe do nails and she asked if hubby was going to be available as she is way overdue for a haircut. I am due for my trim so we can chat while we both get ours cut. I mentioned it to him and he said her ends must be pretty rough, it has been over a year. I agreed, I haven’t seen her hair, but I believe her when she said she needs more than a minimal trim, she really needs a haircut. I get mine trimmed every other month and I notice mine look rough if I go much longer between trims. I can’t imagine going a full year. Not expensive goals, I think I am actually quite frugal with my hair and nails, I consider myself low maintenance.

    • What rich and lovely goals. I am so thrilled that you shared, and how special that you have those common goals as well. Best of luck to you with the greenhouse!

      • Carolyn

        I am glad others understand it. I am seeing my plants popping through the soil in the trays and I am getting excited. I don’t worry about who is getting a new car and what the latest fashions are. I don’t think they matter, I will be in jeans/coveralls wearing a T-shirt with my hair in a braid wearing a wide brim hat doing my gardening. I see a truck and think about how useful it is for hauling things like wood, stones or equipment. Hubby isn’t interested in fancy cars either, he prefers the utility of his truck. Hubby was looking at designs on the Internet and we were discussing how big and the layout. I told him I wanted room in the greenhouse/potting shed to store tools and supplies, like in a cabinet on on shelves and that I wanted a sliding barn door. He mentioned he was going to do benches on blocks with the metal screening so the water would drain. I want the pipes across the top for hanging baskets for flowers. So I am involved in planning the greenhouse project and excited to see it when we finish it. My best friend asked if I was going to do salad greens, she said they are very popular and hard to find good ones. So maybe that is something we will do as well.
        Working in the garden is definitely physical work, but I do want to get back into a regular exercise program. Hubby is retired military, so the gym which is quite nice, on the base near us is free for us to use. He prefers just doing his own thing with the weights and machines, but I like the classes. So we can each do our own thing for fitness, without paying for a membership, he already paid with his military service.

  5. This is an amazing post. I think the pf community sometimes forgets that life isn’t about money. Money is just a tool that helps us live the life we want. Thanks for sharing

  6. I feel guilty when I’m not working on my blog or trying to create a side hustle. I feel like i too have forgotten how to be myself, to have fun, and enjoy life. I’m glad you shared this

    • It is a slippery slope! Blogging and side hustling are both wonderful outlets, but I’ve definitely let both take over too much in the past!

  7. I started regularly working out (mostly lifting weights) this past summer, and I would have probably said before that I didn’t have time to work out (I have four kids, three of whom live at home, and I’m a homeschool mom.) But somehow, I’ve been fitting in 3 workouts a week since then, mostly without fail. And nothing else in my life seems to have fallen by the wayside.

    I wonder if it’s one of those put-the-big-rocks-in things, where if you make time for that big stuff, the other stuff sort of falls into place.

    I still mostly feel the hate you mention WHILE I’m working out, but I also get the love you mention later on!

    I hope you can find a way to work that into your schedule again.

    • My teeny tiny workout streak continues. I just finished day four. I know I’ll break the streak, but I’m remembering how much I enjoy the hard work. Plus, since it’s been *a minute* since I worked out regularly, I’m also realizing how little time I need to put in to really feel it. Ha!

  8. Thank you for your honesty, Penny. <3 You've effectively nailed an emotion that is difficult to convey without sounding whiny. That you recognize how much you love different categories of your life, but that you struggle to give them all a balanced amount of attention (because, wow, with what TIME?!) seems incredibly self aware. I hope you achieve the balance you want and deserve!

    And don't let anyone tell you otherwise — a good hair day (whatever/however that looks for you) can change your life 😉

    • I *finally* got my hair done today, and you are spot on. I feel like one of my students — I keep looking at my reflection. HA! It really feels nice to be excited about my hair again.

      And thanks for the compliments. I’m pretty sure this is all whining, but I’m glad it didn’t come off that way to you!

  9. Great post! I feel like I could have written so many of the same things. While many of the “things” we need or do involve money; most of them are not ABOUT the money. The value of your own time and what you choose to do with it ultimately provides more peacefulness than what you spend or save.

    • I think that’s what I keep realizing over and over again. Money is the tool, not the why.

      And yet…I keep allowing myself to lose focus on that. Ugh!

  10. A completely appropriate topic, IMHO. (I used to blog about everything under the sun because it all tied back to money – spending it, saving it, having it or not having it – that’s just the undercurrent of life and dictates so many of our choices.)

    I don’t think I’ll ever understand why moms (and PiC) are overwhelmingly overcome with this guilt but it’s so frequent. We have had multiple conversations about how PiC is no good to us if he’s knocking himself out just for us and never doing the things he needs to recharge his batteries, and aside from that, we NEED to remember how to exist as humans even as we’re raising small humans. I keep thinking how sad it would be if we put our real selves on hold for 18 years and then surface after shipping the kid off to college with no idea how to exist. I had this problem even as a workaholic – I didn’t know how to be a full human after working every waking hour of the day and it took me ages to rebuild some semblance of myself before having JB. It happened again when JB came along and I had a little more practice at rebuilding but I’ve done a little of it.

    It’s worth doing because we should be able to at least be whole humans through all the stages of our lives, even if we can’t have “it all” at the same time.

    • We’ve talked about that a lot lately. We don’t want to be the couple that has to learn how to be a couple all over again. I didn’t used to understand how it happens, but now I see how easy it is to just be totally consumed by parenting.

      Don’t get me wrong. I love every second that I’m with my son, mysterious toddler meltdowns and all. But I think it’s good to be a human AND a mom. Thanks for the reminder.

      • I should clarify – it’s not because I have a handle on the secret of how to stay a whole human with all the hats I’m wearing.

        It’s just that my interests are easily woven into my current existence and I’ve (conveniently? but sadly) already lost all the hobbies I held dear long before parenting came into play so my whole me is already reduced to what I can handle.

  11. We are so alike in so many ways! I also struggle with the mom guilt, the spending guilt. Your “to do” list looks a lot like mine! I don’t really exercise anymore. I don’t make it to the hair salon nearly often enough; my too-long hair and lots of grey are easy to see.

    Recently, I started trying to take more time for myself. Whether it was going for a walk, taking a nap, reading a book, or yes, getting a hair cut/color. And it has made a big impact. I realized that being the worn out, exhausted mom who never took care of herself had a negative impact on my whole family. If I was burnt out and resentful, I wasn’t actually being a very good wife or mother!

    I hope you stick to your plan to take better care of yourself. I know it’s hard (“I need to be with my kid!” “It will cost us money!”) but it benefits everyone to have a mom/wife/teacher/coworker who is healthy and happy.

  12. Friend of a friend blogger

    I see you so much on the PG13 movie thing. I’m not a parent, but I can share that my mom not having a career after I was a toddler and not cultivating other relationships drove a wedge between us when I was a teenager through now, 10 years out of college. Take care of yourself the way you need to because no-one can do it for you, and in many ways, no-one else can.

  13. 100000%.

    Go do those things and reclaim your SELF 🙂

    I took half a day off last weekend for a friend’s 30th and it was glorious.

    But most days I don’t brush my hair and I only wear about 3 different outfits ever. #matleavelife

    • Oh, yes! Maternity leave! This post would have been different had I written it then for sure.

      I’m so glad that you were able to take some time with your friends. <3

  14. Chloe

    I have looked my husband in the eyes and said: omg, I don’t know how you do it, I could never work out. It’s just soooo boring.

    Maybe today’s Penny isn’t the same Penny as before? There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing your kid and your side hustles if that’s what’s most important to YOU right now in this phase of your life (providing you still floss occasionally, go to the dr every couple years and have enough energy for your life).

    • I am flossing! LOL

      And I think you’re absolutely right. I am different, and I am really loving the new me. But I was/am feeling pretty spent, too. Fortunately, this is our spring break and I’ve been treating it as a break. It’s been nice to catch my breath!

      Thanks for the reminder that it’s OK to grow and change!

  15. I get this, and I don’t even have mom guilt. It’s just that the beauty salon is almost 20 miles away, which is a lot for my chronic fatigue. And it takes about 4 and a half hours to get a cut and color because I’m dealing with beauty school students (also a lot for my fatigue). And I had so much to contend with with my then-husband’s multiple conditions and our finances and… I’d go 6+ months without getting a cut. Which is a lot for me. Especially here in the desert where my hair has zero body if I don’t keep it trimmed.

    I started booking as I leave the salon to make sure I keep on schedule. It’s one way I make sure that I take care of myself now.

    As for working out, I just set an arbitrary time (no later than 1 p.m.) and stick to that. A little harder when you have a toddler whose nap time I’m sure isn’t static, but if you just tie your exercise to the nap itself hopefully it’ll have the same effect: you don’t try to put it off for side projects or whatever because it’s a foregone conclusion; the exercise is just going to happen.

    • I love both of these tips! You also motivate me to work out when I see you tweet about working out yourself 😀 So thanks for the kick in the pants and the inspiration!

  16. I feel a lot of guilt in my everyday life, too. And the idea of being a little more selfish is something I struggle with, even as I know it might be helpful for me.

    For what it’s worth, this is a really beautiful post and I like that it isn’t centered on money.

  17. Grace

    Oh, God. This is my life. My last haircut was at least two years ago, my clothes all suck, and the only way I work out is by getting up at 5 a.m. so that I can do it before my daughter is up at 6:30. And the time change lined up with a really bad virus in our house followed by an ear infection in the little one. I have struggled and mostly failed at getting up at 5 since then because I’m up and down all night with her.

    I feel profoundly guilty for not picking my daughter up from daycare early when I can, because I know she wants me and I don’t see enough of her… but I also feel as if I’m barely surviving weekends these days. It is unrelenting.

    I love my daughter passionately and would not trade her for anything. I also miss how easy it was to take care of myself and my career before I had her. There just never seems to be enough time. I always, always feel like I’m failing on at least two fronts.

Leave a Reply to Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.